I placed the car in park and wiped back tears, for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past few days. The weight of all the data, or lack of data I had consumed weighed me down, life had gotten so heavy. We all have angels, and sometimes seek them in the most unsuspecting people. I finished the last of my wine, and spent the next hour chatting mine that night.
Luckily I’d renegotiated my life that night, I’d told myself I’d wake up feeling better the next day, perhaps with more energy to continue fighting.
When I felt calmer more subdued, I buckled up and made the journey home leaving the Puente de Las Americas. Blurry, I focused my eyes making an attempt to stay in between the lines, morbidly with the desire to get home safe, this time alive.
A few times this year, I could have thrown myself off a bridge or out of a 16 floor window.
I had received a hard lesson here in my thirties this past year. One could debate the nature of it and why it occurred over and over but more than anything it was MY lesson. Karma, that I’d be strong enough to correct in this lifetime.
I experienced burn out, marital problems and crisis of identity. Not to mention breaking my ankle, muscle atrophy and recovery.
I indeed went through a pocket of depression as well.
I quit my job, I went into debt and I loved myself back to health.
A cup of Rioja and a spliff, had become familiar companions for my anxiety and excitement during my deep immersions & research into what experts were saying about family/marriage, transgressions, womanhood, motherhood, selfcare, and feminine spirituality.
Today, I’m a little lighter. A little more free-er. A hella of lot more filled with gratitude.
Listed are my top 3 books from from 2019:
“The Code of the Extraordinary Mind” by Vishen Lakhiani
“The State of Affairs” & “Mating in Captivity” including all PodCasts by Esther Perel
“The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi
Among the literature, were podcasts, youtube videos tons of yoga and meditation. I later sought help with a professional who would also provide insight and support. Beyonce Knowles provided hours and hours of soundtrack that breathed vocabulary and and humanized situations that otherwise seemed unexplainable. I will forever be grateful for her art.
Mental health & selfcare is real. Taking care of your friends and family is even realer. If you know anyone suffering, reach out and say something. Things have changed and there are access to counselors, or psychologists online via app and it’s even easier to get the help you need than before. I’m thankful for the friends and family who continue to support me.